Leonardo DiCaprio in my eyes

I just realized that my admiration to him has grown with me as I got older. During the Titanic and Romeo and Juliet days, I’m just simply one of his biggest fans that were romantically swept off their feet. I guess you can say I fell in love with him too. I’ve watched almost all of his movies in VHS at that time while on vacation just after graduating from college. I’ve also collected newspaper clippings and magazines about him. I have a copy of two of his autobiographical videos. Whew, I’m a real loyal fan. As I grew older, I still love to watch his movies minus the Leo-mania stuffs (I realized, they’ll just take some space in my over-cluttered life). My mere admiration seems to have grown into respect for him as an actor. Maybe I just grew up and realized that we’re not meant for each other (mwehehe). I’ve learned to understand him better as a person.

In most of his old movies, he played a torn, troubled or an emotionally-battered kid. He played them so well. I guess it’s one of the reasons why I love him. There’s this intense vulnerability in his soul that touches viewers and your heart just goes out to him. It’s not just his pretty boy looks. I do find the characters with deep-seated emotional issues very interesting and passionately attractive (take Michael Scofield). It sometimes… somehow, mirrors your own pain and frustrations in life… you begin to understand them.

I really don’t care if some old news may tell us that he’s bisexual (before I was really affected) or he’s this wild party kid. Maybe it’s a way for him to get out there in the real world and forget about anything that makes him miserable. Hey, let’s give him a break. His parents broke up just a year after he was born. This personal pain may have helped him to portray those complex and sensitive characters. Acting may have been a way of a catharsis for him. I feel silently proud when my friends actually mention that they love his movies. I couldn’t be more proud of him when he got nominated for Best Actor in the Oscars.

These days, the world may seem to think that he may have a problem with commitment since he broke up with his long-time model girlfriend. We really don’t know what happened. Then he’s with another model now. I do hope he’ll find someone whom he could spend the rest of his life with, even if she would not be ME. LOL. Anyway, I already got over him. I’m in love with Topher now… oh, wait… with Michael Scofield… or, Wentworth Miller…, oh and as of this late posting… James McAvoy…

P.S. My mom loved him in Blood Diamond. She said he was so good when he’s angry. I let him watch The Departed, and she appreciated the movie. Of course, loved Leo’s performance. I couldn’t be more proud. (Sniff!)

*Random old thoughts… sitting on my hard drive…

Lana’s Letter

Dear Clark, 

It’s been amazing that I got to really know you these past years.  I understand how hard it is to keep secrets from the people you care about. They think they know everything about you but it is sad that they’re not even aware of how you are growing up. How they fail to notice a few little details in your life. Maybe life has changed you and somehow, you estrange yourself from your family and friends. I guess we’re all just trying to find a place in the world, right?

I am lucky and will be forever grateful that you came into my life. Someone who has faith and believes in the good of people. You have been a great friend. When you’re around, everything seems safe. Your adorable smile is infectious and I love laughing with you. Not to mention that you’re the most gorgeous boy next door in Smallville, or maybe even the universe!? You have swept me off my feet in more ways than one. But we both know that there’s more to you than meets the eye.

I’ve always been fascinated with the mystery that is Clark Kent. When I look into those deep, soulful eyes, I see a guy who’s a bit scared… funny… honest… and thoughtful. You may seem lost and try hard to search for all the answers, but I’m sure that your heart is always in the right place. I am sometimes scared too whenever I see myself in your eyes. I see a lonely girl who tries to find herself… wants to run away and make a difference somehow. She’s not afraid to be vulnerable around you. Because you somehow bear similar emotional issues… of being different… or share the fear of being alone.

You may seem to carry the world on your shoulders but you are not the only one. I feel your pain. You may be called the man of steel but I do cry with you when your heart is breaking. I thought I’m strong enough but I sometimes retreat to being the saddest girl on earth. I seem to always brood about my parents whenever something goes wrong with my life. I know I could be such a bore whenever I get the chance to mope around. I guess that part of my heart will always be broken. I’m glad that you’re always there…  making me feel that I needed a little saving sometimes. Even by a guy who may not be as amazing as you. I hope that one day, someone would truly be able to see that girl through your eyes.

I know how hard it is to save the world around you, let alone your own life. We each have our own battles to fight… decisions to make… issues to resolve. Not even super powers would be able to handle them. We then try our best to redeem ourselves and bring back the faith we have lost.

Your strength and sensitivity is such a gift, especially to people who are often misunderstood or merely invisible. You don’t need to be near them to know that they are hurting. A sigh, a sniff, or a silent cry would surely reach you wherever you are. Anyone would feel safe knowing that you’ll always be there when they needed someone.

You are truly an inspiration to those who would want to make a difference in the world. You became this wonderful friend or a symbol of hope to those people whose lives you’ve touched, in one way or another. Just by knowing you make a person long for hope and passion. Hoping that people of today would bring truth and justice… to change the world in their own little way. You have proven that we don’t need to fly to be a hero or to even reach our dreams. We just need to have faith… to be brave and soar… so we could create our own destiny.

Thanks for being a part of my life, Clark. I will always love you even from afar. Wherever life takes us, you will always be my hero.

August Rush

You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars. – Wizard (Robin Williams)

The title couldn’t be more fitting to what hit me while watching the movie. It was my friend, LJ’s DVD and she told me that I would really like the movie. I did trust her because we have similar interest in movies and we both love Keri Russell (Felicity). Indeed, I love the movie so much that it made me write… =)

But I believe in music…The way that some people believe in fairy tales. – August Rush/ Evan Taylor (Freddie Highmore)

Music is everywhere.

The mere clicking of the keyboard or mouse, the scratching of the head, tapping of fingers, stomping of feet… a sigh, a yawn, a snore, a grunt, a whisper… the sound of cars, trucks and buses passing by… the fan blowing in your face… and the raindrops falling on the roof. The sounds have their own rhythm. You can create a unique beat if you wanted to. 

With a little accompaniment, series of sounds become musical. We could tap our hands, bang our heads, or dance away to the beat. We could whistle, shout, or sing our heart out and never mind other people. All we care is that music relaxes the mind, soothes the soul and calms the nerves. It’s therapeutic like writing…painting…watching DVDs… playing a sport… or running. It could take you away from the harsh reality of the world.

As a child, I keep a notebook of my favorite songs and some song-magazines. Later on as I grow up, I begin to understand how songs speak to us and how they somehow relate to life. Songs are mostly about love, life, people and everything in between. Why do we love a song? We hear a song and suddenly, you realize it’s something about you. Somehow, it talks to you. It’s your story singing or something you could relate to. It’s the silent screams of our heart.

Music is a universal language. It sometimes draws you in an entirely different world. It could become a magical journey. It connects people anywhere in the world. We listen to similar joy or pain… grief… angst… fears… hopes and dreams. We share the same stories, everything about life and love. Music can also be found within ourselves. Each of us plays a different tune. We use it to have a voice, which connects us to other people.

Sometimes, our life’s song could suddenly be out of sync. We couldn’t sing along. We try so hard in finding the right notes because we’re afraid that it might turn out as a bad recording. We may also fail to listen to the music or have lost the courage to dream. We get trapped in the past and stopped believing. We get confused along the way and we don’t know how to pick up the pieces. We start from scratch hoping that a new melody will begin to unfold. If only we could learn to close our eyes and listen with our hearts… allow the music to heal our soul… restore the faith.

If we are closely paying attention to everything that surrounds us, we can create our own kind of music. We just have to be more passionate with the world and be inspired. Maybe if we pause and free our minds of all life’s worries, we could have serenity… harmony… and a beautiful music.

Music is all around us. All we need to do is listen.

/21 AUG 08, aniradei.multiply.com

The Other

Juggling time as a bum, Inday, and Yaya – while my life is in hiatus – I am finally done watching LOST Season 3. I didn’t have the same enthusiasm I had with Season 1 when I began watching Season 2. I get to love the show because each of the characters has his own mystery that unfolds in every episode. However they are damaged or running away from their past, the island is becoming their refuge. As they await for rescue, the island itself seems to be their only redemption.

I was disappointed in the second season because instead of getting some answers, it just encouraged more unending questions and mysteries. I have to drag myself in finishing up the rest of the episodes to catch up on the latest season. Thankfully, I had the energy again for a marathon in the third season. We got involved deeper into the characters’ lives. How their complex past define who they are.

I was hooked again, also because of another interesting character. The Others’ leader, Benjamin Linus. He’s somehow an alter ego for Locke. A creepier alter ego. He reminds me of Hannibal Lecter but not as terrifying. He has this eerie blank stare, showing no signs of emotion which makes him a little scary sometimes. His diminutive frame and being soft-spoken belies his true intentions. This is how he becomes so manipulative of people around him. I think that he’s a really good actor. His acting is so convincing that I did share the same disgust whenever he confronts Jack. There are times when you just hate him, and then you try to understand him; how all the mysteries are connected with his mighty purpose-driven life in the island.

And don’t forget that he has this voice deemed unforgettable. Once you hear that voice, you’ll know it’s him. Just as how we always remember James Earl Jones as Darth Vader or the other actors with such distinctive accents: Sean Connery, John Malkovich, and Morgan Freeman. I couldn’t think of actresses though. Angela Lansbury? Was she the mother teapot in Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast? I thought that Vanessa Williams in-character voice in Ugly Betty is quite noticeable. Geez, I watch too much movies or blame it on my super-sense of hearing. LOL.

So, now I’m excited to watch the new season on Studio 23 this September. Is it just me or I was not paying attention, that the polar bear and the supposedly-monstrous black smoke still don’t make sense. Well, like what one of the producers said, maybe all of this stranger-than-fiction adventure is only happening inside the dog’s (Vincent) mind.

/01 AUG 08, aniradei.multiply.com

i am a statistic

… one of the pinoys who braved the seas and tried their luck in looking for jobs in singapore

… one of them who is going home because fate says so or time (social visit pass) is not enough or because that *&%#$ immigration officer from indonesia does not have a heart to let two harmless-looking pinays to enter their country (langya, lagay lang pala kelangan nya)

… one of the unemployed single women who is – unconditionally, wholeheartedly, with loving open arms – welcomed home by family members (kanino ka pa ba magpapaampon?)

… at thirty, one of the so-called NBSB and NBT, NBK (sama nyo pa yung SNMAP)

… one of the children who has parents living separate lives

… one that could be called a half-sister

… one who dreams for a better world but chooses to stay as a spectator; hopes to make a difference someday

… one who sometimes tries hard to be understood or tries hard to understand another

… one whose sense of humor and optimism is sometimes not contagious or being helpful

… one who’s not aware that her OCD annoys some people

… one who still believes in happy ever after

… one of the hopeless… romantics

… one who thought that she already knows the way of the world

… one of those who got to learn more about life and love through movies and books

… one who could probably believe that we are not alone in this world (kasalanan ni spielberg to)

/04 May 08, aniradei.multiply.com

Oskar Schindler

“Be the change you want to be in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

After a week-long of stress and headaches, came another day off. I’ve never been so blue like this. I was planning to run like mad or scream out loud to purge my over-cluttered head… somewhere safe from a crowd’s scrutinizing eyes. But, I ended up seeking solace on the ever-reliableTV because it was raining so hard. I’m not sure if the weather is being sympathetic. I decided to pick up Schindler’s List from my stack of VCDs. I haven’t really got the chance to watch the whole movie since I had tons of line up of DVD/TV series before. I should be watching a lighthearted comedy, considering my mood and  the theme of this movie. But I always trust Steven Spielberg. He’s a sensitive and great filmmaker. I love his movies since E. T.  He’s one of the reasons why I love movies and he somehow inspires me to dream… to
write.

The movie is not only about how the Jews suffered. Spielberg showed us how one man can actually make a difference and have the chance to save other people’s lives… How people who had suffered tremendously, can still have even the slightest sign of hope in their hearts… How they learn to have a stronger faith… a belief in someone who could probably save them. What they have experienced during that time was deeply heart-wrenching. Your own personal issues suddenly became so lame and you felt that you need to do at least something to make the world a better place.

We may never understand the concept of having a war, but as Jamie Sullivan (A Walk to Remember) once said: without suffering… there would be no compassion.

It’s Hebrew, it’s from the Talmud. It says, “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” – Itzhak Stern

This scene with Oskar Schindler, is very moving and Liam Neeson did an excellent job with his character. I also remembered Gandhi since the actor (Ben Kingsley) who played him was also in this movie (Itzhak Stern).

Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don’t know. If I’d just… I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern:Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler:If I’d made more money… I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I’d just…
Itzhak Stern:There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler:I didn’t do enough!
Itzhak Stern:You did so much.
[Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler:This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people.
[removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people.He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person,Stern. For this.
[sobbing]
Oskar Schindler:I could have gotten one more person… and I didn’t! And I… I didn’t!

/19 OCT 07, aniradei.multiply.com

Bad hair day

When everything around you seems to fall apart, it’s really hard to have faith in something that you want to believe in… or to see life in rose-colored glasses. Your faith and the hope in those people involved seems to shatter into pieces. Being dysfunctional is not at all dramatic or interesting for you anymore. Suddenly, you’re life seems to be a joke of nature. You think that your family isn’t exactly the most inspiring people around. Watching other people’s lives on DVD is far better than dealing with your own.

Sometimes, they do get on your nerves. This becoming one of those times. You just wanna scream and ask them, what the F are they doing… screwing their life like that?? That they’re not really helping you live your own life. You could see this very thin line between realism and cynicism. Reality definitely bites us in the ass, right? Sometimes, being optimistic and hopeful is not really helping you cope with these things. If we don’t expect for anything, we don’t get disappointed. We don’t get hurt. It would be better like this… or so we thought.

I guess you’re just sick and tired of trying to help them. Maybe you just didn’t do your best. Do they even know how you are dealing with all this? They’re not keeping you in the loop. It’s happening again. You’re trying so hard to understand them but they still get the chance to screw up their lives. What else is there to do?

I’m not sure what they’re trying to prove but I am so damn tired of figuring things out for them. I seem to be thinking too much about all of them that I forget to live my own life. They’re making me old. I am so stressed out. They’re giving me a really bad hair day… a headache! They’re a bunch of royal pain. So, I have to blog them out.

I guess I’m okay, for now.

/25 SEP 07, aniradei.multiply.com

Why I fell in love with Topher Grace

 

I first met him in Win a date with Tad Hamilton. Well, it’s not the usual kind of love at first sight thing. He’s just so adorable that you can hug him forever. You want to take him home for your mom and grandma to meet. I assure you that they would approve of him right then and there. I guess I fell in love with his Pete character in Tad. He’s such a sweet guy. Hopeless romantic. His self-deprecating sense of humor, wit, lankiness, and nerdy ways make him the more attractive. Well, for me at least. He could be anyone ’s best friend or the best kind of boyfriend you could ever have. He’s my epitome of the boy next door.

Couldn’t get enough of him so I bought some pirated (sshhh) That 70’s Show DVDs. Yeah, I’m hoping that he is more like the guy he plays on Tad Hamilton and That 70‘ s (Eric Foreman). I believe that he is somehow just like Pete and Eric, according to the online forums and articles I’ve read about him. What I also love about him is that he values his privacy as a person and he’s also a Cancer. Born on 12th July 1978. I think he can be my soulmate (heheh)! I don’t personally know him but somehow I get to see a part of him through the characters he play.

Maybe I also see in him what I’m looking for in a guy, who can hopefully fall in love with me. Or wishing that someday in my immaculately-messed up life, I could fall in love with someone like him. I’m hoping that he could make me laugh out loud and ease away some of the pain lingering in my heart. He would have these eyes that can see through — beyond the flaws and insecurities of a plain jane.

I hope there are still Topher Graces out there!

Originally posted on my multiply 07 AUG 07 

Pain

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
 —
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more. - Dr. Meredith Grey
 

I remember when a friend accidentally closed the front door of the car, with my hand caught in it. AW! THAT REALLY HURT! I’m not so sure if it wasn’t that painful or if my hand was already numb from the impact. Of course, I should be mad at that person who carelessly closed that damn door. But I wasn’t. Maybe just a little because, its partly my fault of putting my hand in the not-so-safe zone of the car’s door. But hey, I was easing my butt inside the car and I have to hold on to something!

But that’s not my point for now. The hurt in my hand however, seems to have absorbed some of my long standing emotional pain. All of that pain was focused on my hand. Maybe because it’s been a while since I was hurt physically. It felt good when my hand soothed itself. If only the pain we’re feeling inside easily goes away just like that. I guess I have to thank him for doing that. We needed that sometimes.

/an old entry/ also posted on multiply 25 JUL 07

Boston

She said I think I’ll go to Boston.
I think I’ll start a new life.
I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather,
I think I’ll get a lover and fly ‘em out to Spain.
I think I’ll go to Boston.
I think that I’m just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
- Boston (Augustana)

Australia is my Boston.

Everytime I hear this song, it reminds me to get my lazy and sentimental butt off the chair and finish my visa application. It was never my dream to live in another country. But I guess most of us have this silent wish to realize our own sort of “American dream”. That working or living abroad will somehow ease the burden of our personal or economic state. Yes, we have heard of those who braved the foreign lands. Packed with some faith, hardwork and luck, they are finally living their dreams.

Why Australia? Because I have an uncle who lives there with his family. It would be like closer to home since there will already be familiar faces. I heard from them that it’s a beautiful country to live in. And from what I’ve read, Australians are laid back and friendly people. I feel that I’m going to be alright if ever I have the chance to live there. Not to mention that some of my favorite hollywood actors are Australians (heheh). I just love their accent!

Well for me, I want to try my luck to go somewhere and work. I am still trying to picture myself living in a foreign country. It’s exciting and a bit scary just thinking about where life can take me. This could really be a tough decision for me. Growing up and making decisions must be the toughest things to do in life. I have been procrastinating this idea for almost 5 years now. I always tell myself that I need to rearrange my life and I guess this would be a good reason for finding my place (literally) in the world.

Okay. Sometimes, I think this urge to go somewhere is just a part of my quarter life crisis. It could also be a great excuse to run away from all the pain and heartaches. However, the irony of all this– what’s holding me back is the same reason why I wanted so much to go. I love my family so much and it’s going to be hard leaving them all behind. My friends, included. But there comes a time where I feel so broken and needed to be away from all of it.

I know that life’s problems should make us stronger but sometimes, it could also be tiring and somewhat suffocating. When you go home, you feel strange. You’re not sure if you have changed or they seem not to know you anymore. You needed to be somewhere else because it’s getting harder to breathe the same air with them. So you needed to run away. Running away could be the easiest way out as they say. But it could turn out right and might help you grow… to learn more about life and yourself. I guess, we needed to be apart at some point in our lives in order to realize our true worth.

I guess I just want to leave home to prove something to myself, so they can truly be proud of who I am. I realized that my decisions before – ie. college and job application – were somehow based on the situations. This time, I have to make a decision because I want to. I want them to see that I can actually take care of myself. For my Lola to finally realize that I’m turning 30 already (LOL).

I like to think that I’d be hitting two birds with one stone. That I am doing this for my loved ones and for myself. Pain has become a great motivation in my life. It somehow keeps me moving and can always remind me that I am hurting… and pretty much alive.

Even if I’m not so sure if this is what I really want in life, I have to take the risk and see what happens. Life surprises us all the time. I just need to have a little faith in myself. If I get lucky, I might find that first kiss there and my life will definitely change forever.

Originally posted on my multiply 12 May 07.